spring writing

center and a circumference meets center and a circumference
a vesica pisces is created, a third space, an eye of the needle, a portal
before christianity read it as the bladder of the fish,
the fisherman, a fissure of men
the vesica pisces was widely understood to symbolize venus and vulva
this shape is round but sets up conditions for angularity, for ninety degrees
right angles are not invasive (obtuse) or evasive (acute)   

the shape comes from a layering
layered ego states
striations of spatiotemporal experience
repetitions of gesture, sensation, experience lead to psychic representation

it is not about what is done once but what is done again and again and again
life is full of repetition
again and again and again

inhale
exhale

in origami
make
fold
repeat

construction of the experience of having a gender
a gender within a body scape
from within a bodyscape, an internal phenomenological landscape a psychic experience is born
creates and filtered in and through a sensate body
a body is a bag of sensors
spongy flesh
transient transmitters
feeling ephemeral forms
subject to and molded by
    codes
   regulatory practices
   rules

gender is  (maybe)
   a mode of seeing
   operating as a defense
   regulating anomalies?

functions on the surfaces of the body
surface readings
of the skin
which is the envelope
filtering both ways

the gaze (gayz?) is always embedded in a context of bodily experience
in space and in time and in relationship

certain repetitions become habitual, naturalized, second nature (does not) = natural, just familiar. what is familiar in postmodernity we see the network of relationships/experiences molded by socio-historical forces and the dyad sits within

in between the top of the inhalation and the root of the exhalation
there is a node of liminality
not a point, there are no points
a cluster of sensations of transition
an imperceptible inevitability that leads directly from the top to the bottom
from being pregnant with potential
to the descent toward the emptiness
all of us die on an exhalation

in between the bottom of the exhalation and the root of the inspiration
an absence
a fecund quietude
force it and you will panic
bear it but briefly
the dark moon, velvet, before the surge of the new

polarities: delineated mindfully
deployed mindlessly

what is dawn if not an endless admixture
what is dusk if not the very definition of an unknowable confluence
cycles, gradation, dawn and dusk create tone
they cannot be oversimplified because they cannot be simple
processes crystalize only temporarily
stepping back from the obsessive reworking of a grasp of knowledge and see that even galaxies atrophy and die
 

of course there are times when the center does not hold
a sef is mourned into existence
an introject extrojected
an emptiness of presence, a generative cut

interOBJECTivity
projection of the internalized self-object
discrete entities that are mutually constitutive in their geometry

what is the shape of your loss?
some objects are better kept separate:
    milk + pickles
   milk + meat

a skin gives buffers
a skin shapes what is seen and is experienced
a skin is a breath bag, an excretory organ, the largest organ
a skin also functions as protection from invasion, intrusion, loss

containing
stimulus barrier
protection
generating excitement
contact
a membrane of inbetweenness
regulating stimulation
inscribing boundaries
individuation
internal structural support
repressing/amplifying experience

a song
a gesture
a catalogue of ships

a dance of being with our needs, without intrusion, so that we can be alone
alone with another with us
another inside of us
an internal dialogue rather than a feeling of a void or a vacuum

dancing in the anthropocene
when i dance
dancing can be a way of collaborating with something that is not mine
it can dance me
in the intimacy of the dance, is there something we can learn
something that is not an expression
not performative
not semioticized
not a doing

a transfer of knowledge through the possibility of porousness
porosity as espoused process

labor = always in and against nature, in the anthropocene, there is no longer “harmony”
what is the relationship between work and labor?
works and days?
the certainty of death, the transience of form?
in the anthropocene the starfish lose their arms in the warm waters of california. seastars feel less with less reach?

the slippage, between the material and symbolic, is continuous.

actions/gestures which reflect social construction approach the self and are processed by the self. the membrane between makes meaning. the meaning making is always distorted.

body is:
   an identity
   a context
   a mode of perception, which is sensory synthesis
   a mode of seeing, reading

what can be seen can be consumed
how is the invisible eaten?

are bodies uninhabitable when visible?
we are not seen as subjects.
visible bodies are contexts for experiencing the tension between the material body and its ghost
the symbolic body historicized, hierarchized
a congealed artifact

we are literate and cannot remember what i was to be part of an oral culture
of course writing eclipses certain ways of knowing language
writing privileges the visual
reading is an act that happens in the privacy of one’s own mind
narrating a center

what emerges without the presence of a super ego?
fantasy is real
isibility

a corporeal feminism that find permanence in a continuity of process, reiterative performances, not in structure, not in substance. going into the ephemeral archive, gazing at the shapes of internalized objects, checking one out. poison into potion.

bodily experience as part of imaginary anatomy: the way we “feel” and live inside of our skin is imaginary, meaning it arises from the embodied mind. the imaginary defines the real.
eating/feeding
soothing
affect attunement
rupture and repair
peaks of excitation

membrane between:
which gestures?
which articulations?
which striations?
accumulations?
accretions?

a social body
an interpersonal body
somatic (vegetative) states plus affect plus reason
body is a condition
body is a context through which i relate

a life happens between poles we narrate as “conception” and “death” though we can’t say much about what either of these words mean. in the middle, many breaths, in and out, conscious and autonomic, whispering and soundless, carrying melodies, moans, rasping, grasping. a life is not lived in one breath. breath accretes in time, giving the breather a body.